“OK, I think we got that. Can we —” [RADIO CHATTER] [SIRENS] “Hey, [INAUDIBLE] two-and- a-half-inch live [INAUDIBLE] fire outside.” [EXPLOSION] [BREATHING] [MUFFLED SHOUTING] “My brother was working with his crew, just around the corner to the right. And I thought, ‘Dave’s dead.’ And so I went back to where the roof was on the ground now, and our hose line was inside. And I thought, ‘OK, Dave’s at the end of this hose line.’ And so I’m trying to get my helmet flat to the ground, and I only could see this much under. And I’m trying to shine with the light, and I don’t see anybody.” [SHOUTING] “Grab the line. Grab the line.” [BEEPING] “Are you OK with IVs, I’m assuming?” “Yeah.” “OK.” “What’s up, bro?” “We’re going to do meditation, drop you in a little bit. And I’m going to read you a poem, where I’m doing the work.” “Yeah, man.” “So remember the stance that we go into a psychedelic experience is curiosity, openness, surrender and trust.” “Yep.” “How are you feeling right now?” “Good. It’s kicked in.” “Mm-hmm. How do know?” “Very calm, very at peace.” “Mm-hmm. What would be healing for you?” [SIGHS] “Hey, that’s a [EXPLETIVE].” “Yeah. Spend some time with that. I don’t know. I don’t know what the healing is, man. Yeah. Mike, I don’t want to go down the road right now.” “OK.” “Nope.” “OK.” “I don’t.” “What I’m noticing is there is some hesitancy and, maybe, a tendency to avoid some of those deeper wounds.” “Yeah.” “To really drop in and stay there.” “Yeah, yeah.” “Are you nervous?” “Oh, yeah. It’s powerful. I don’t see why someone would want to go do a bunch of ketamine and rave all night.” [LAUGHS] “There was a point where it was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I can party with this.’ And then it’s like, uh-uh.” “Yeah.” “It was just where it was. And I don’t like to be out of control.” “Yeah.” “It was almost paralyzing.” “Yeah, I feel you.” “When I was sitting there, I felt like I weighed a bazillion pounds and I couldn’t move. It was weird.” “Get your butt out of my face.” [LAUGHS] “Get her.” “No.” “Get her. Get her.” [SNORES] [SIRENS] [RADIO CHATTER] “Yeah, somebody on count of three, we’ll slide it under. Coming in nice and easy.” [BEEPING] “Good, good.” [BEEPING FADES] “I think it was just like a bell curve, man. It just went up, and then I doubted my existence. Then if I lost something, it was frustrating. It’s like, oh, you know, when you have something to say and you’re like, ‘I want to —’ and then it was gone. He’s like, ‘Just let it go.’ And as quick as he said, ‘Let it go,’ and I said, ‘Yep, I’m going to let it go,’ there was no going back to it. I didn’t care anymore. There was no frustration. It was like, on to the next thing. Probably your kids —” “That’s how they live.” ”— they’re like, ‘Oh, look at the grasshopper. Oh, here’s a rock. Look how cool this rock is.’” “You woke me out of bed at the butt crack of dawn.” “Sun’s been up for an hour and a half. So I know it probably sucks for you that her and I are not able to parent like a lot of parents can or they co-parent.” “Yeah.” “Tell me what you’re feeling.” [TEARFULLY] “I don’t know. I just feel like I put so much into having a good, healthy relationship and I’m getting nothing in return.” “Absolutely, honey.” “And it’s not healthy.” “I’m sorry. I know you’re heartbroken. It ain’t you.” “Did you move to that new station they’re putting in?” “Yeah. Yeah. I love you.” “Love you, too.” “So at this state, I just need to recognize that I still can be like, ‘Nope, I’m not going there.’” “Yeah. You’re in control.” “Or I can be like, ‘Yep, I’m going there.’” “Correct.” “So we’re going to [EXPLETIVE] do this, Mike.” “OK.” “We’re going to go deep.” “I was feeling some emotions a minute ago.” “What were you feeling?” “Yeah, I just got phone with Kevin before I came down here. Did I tell you that they took the knee down?” “They took it off?” “Yeah.” “Shoot.” “Yeah. I’m like, ’[EXPLETIVE], man.’” “Man, a lot of your brothers have been beat up in the line of duty.” “Yeah.” “You’ve lost friends. You’ve watched a lot of things, man.” “I love that guy.” “I know you do. You feel for him, too. Feel it. Today is about feeling that love. So much sacrifice in your line of work.” “I wish I could change it for him.” “Mm.” “[EXPLETIVE].” “Part of what you guys don’t get to do in this field is grieve. My police, SWAT, E.M.T.s, paramedics — so much trauma and not enough allowing of grief. I think there’s still some stuff in there for you to explore about what it was like to be put in situations that were really threatening. And there’s pain there.” “Yeah.” [TENDER MUSIC] “So when you came up here and you were planning on committing suicide, why didn’t you call me?” “I just didn’t believe that my life could get that complicated.” “Right.” “I didn’t know how to solve it.” “Right.” “And my core values are provision and protection and passions. And it’s like I didn’t feel alive. Waking up every day super- anxious to the point where you wait for — you wait for nighttime to go to sleep again, for months on end, is physically exhausting.” “Yeah.” “It’s an emotional marathon that I pray I can — if I have anything to say to anyone, just [EXPLETIVE] hang on.” “Get around the ones you love and hang the [EXPLETIVE] on, because joy can be around the corner, but you’ve really got to be looking for it.” “Yeah. I just hated my first counseling appointment, feeling so ashamed to have to go, because nobody coached me on how to deal with a lady crumpled up in a car that was dead. Then you say, ‘We’re going to paint the picture where you’re weak if you go get help,’ the fire service, right?” “Mm-hmm.” “It’s like, there should be nobody held back by feeling shame or guilt or lesser than by going to get help.” [FIRE CRACKLES] “I figured out why I see myself as a failure.” “You just figured that out in the first two pages of your book?” [LAUGHS] “Well, it’s such a mind game at 14. There’s things in life that scare me, and I’ll run into a house on fire all day before I have to go back to being a 14-year-old in this world. A lot of stuff there, and it comes with no book on ‘Hey, here’s how you do 14. Here’s how you do 13.’” “Yeah.” “And that’s where you absorb things like a sponge, whether good, bad or indifferent. And then you base your decisions off that, going forward.” “For the rest of your life, yeah.” “And that’s what I’m finding out through my treatment. It was like, huh. Some things, it’s like, ‘Oh, I have to think differently.’” “Yeah.” — “Have a good night.” — “Proud of you.” “Thank you.” “Yep. You’re getting educated on the right stuff.” “Hopefully.” “I’ll helps if you know how your mind ticks and why it ticks the way it ticks.” “Yeah.” “Love you.” “Love you, too.” “All right, let’s do this, Mike. I want this [EXPLETIVE] thing dug up. I want that root out. I want it thrown over the cliff.” “Well, there’s a belief in there. There’s a belief that you’re holding on to.” “Yeah, and I don’t know what it is.” “Mm-hmm. Well, I think you had a lot of stuff happen to you earlier that was survival oriented.” “Yeah.” “Is that true?” “Yeah.” “I was 8, maybe 7. Yeah. Yeah, I was [EXPLETIVE] miserable, man. I cried myself to sleep year after year after year.” “So, Rob, you’ve been telling me stories these last three times about awful, scary events in your life as a child and teenager.” “And all your time you spend now as an adult is creating things that help people be safe. When does Rob get to release some of that fear?” ”[EXPLETIVE], right now. Maybe part of that next step is retiring. I didn’t tell you: I can retire in three days.” “Wow. What?” “Yeah.” “How do you feel about that?” “Dude, it’s scary.” “Yeah.” [EXHALES] “Yeah, because what’s next?” “Life.” “Yeah.” “Tribe, connection, purpose.” “What are you experiencing?” “This is bliss.” “Mm. Just sit with that for a few moments.” [SOFT MUSIC] “This healing is about healing ourselves, truly. Showing up for ourselves now in the way we needed then.” “Thank you.” [SNIFFLES] [EXHALES] [VOICE ON TELEVISION] “It can be really hard for most of us, even for us here on the news. And there’s a resource in —” [SOMBER MUSIC] ”[INAUDIBLE]. Residential fire alarm at 1390.” “And I can just feel tears, but I wasn’t boo-hoo crying. It was just like, huh. He’s like, ‘All right, put your hand on your heart. All right,’ and he said something.” “All right.” “All right.” “Good to see you, brother.” “Appreciate you.” “I love you.” “Love you, too. Thank you.” “Good luck.” “Watch this. Ah.” “What’s that about the score being tied?” “I’m only on three right now.” “Hold on. Kenzie.” “What?” “Argh.” [VOICE ON SPEAKER] “Your sole attention at this very moment.” “Close it. So when you stand here, remember it’s like this. And then you just —” “I listened to a good meditation today.” “Yeah? I read a good chapter today.” “What was your chapter on?” “I read two — I read 10 things emotionally intelligent people —” “Oh, yeah.” ”— do not do.” “Right.” “And I read why people we love become strangers again.” “Why people we love what?” “Become strangers again or something like that.” “Can you share with me the Fireman’s Prayer?” ”‘When I am called to duty, God, wherever flames may rage, give me the strength to save some life, whatever be its age. Help me embrace a little child before it’s too late or save an older person from of horror of that fate. Enable me to be alert and hear the weakest shout and quickly and efficiently to put the fire out. And, if according to your will, I have to give my life, please bless with your protecting hand my children and my wife.’” [TENDER MUSIC] [FIRE CRACKLES] [STEAM HISSES]